Rice Krispies Treat

“Lynn! Why aren’t you listening to a goddamn word I’m saying?” Rob screamed into the telephone in his thick Boston accent.
“A Hyundai? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Here on the fifteenth floor we have a lot of characters, Rob being one of them. Everyday I come to work, take the elevator upstairs, walk over to my desk, and sit down. Everyday Rob, otherwise known as Rice Krispies (I have no idea why), sits at his desk bellowing into the phone at some poor unsuspecting soul. Today it’s his girlfriends’ mother.

“Lynn, let me tell you something about Hyundai’s… they fucking suck, and you are a complete idiot for even considering buying one. No Lynn...okay… right… good I’ll pick you up at 7 and we’ll go over to the Honda Barn... peace out.”

Rice Krispies Rob, as I like to call him when he isn’t in earshot, is what one might call the quintessential meat head. He goes to the gym twice a day, as he likes to remind us regularly. His biceps are about the size of a 6 month old child, and if he has a neck, I certainly can’t see it. On a semi regular basis I must endure his screeds about the other people at the gym.

“Dude, like those people just make me sick. I bet they work out, what? Three times a week. Fucking pussies. I go twice a day, you gotta man. You just gotta”.

I usually just sit still trying not to make eye contact with him, especially since I’m one of those disgusting people who only goes to the gym three times a week. Even with this semi regular workout routine, you wouldn’t know it, since at a lofty 6ft 2, I weight in at a whopping 170 pounds, and I have no ‘cepts, pecs, or gluts to speak of.

Even though I sit next to Rob, I don’t know a ton about him. Technically he doesn’t work for the same department as me, so there’s almost no reason we would speak. What I know about him comes mostly from what he bellows into his phone.

Rob is from Revere (figures), he is currently living in the North End of Boston (also figures). His girlfriend teaches Yoga classes at his gym, and her name is JoJo. He’s a slum lord in his spare time. And finally, his favorite movie is Scent of a Women, go figure.

In addition to cursing out his girlfriends mother today, he has also talked to his dentist, his brother, his personal trainer, his therapist (rage issues), and his nutritionist. Apparently he’s starting a new diet before the holidays, which is funny since all I’ve ever seen him consume is protein shakes.

Soon after hanging up the phone with his nutritionist he glanced over at me and declared:
“Bro, those legumes will ruin you”.

I don’t even know what that means.